whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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