This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize