i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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