i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
