My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
