Please, let me fuck your mom
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
