Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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