She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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