where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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