Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
