nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Randomize
