God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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