I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I don't deserve a penis
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize