yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
