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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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