A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
did i walk over a car last night?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
