Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
