Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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