i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
How naked do you want me to be?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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