I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
