I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
ok first of all what the fuck
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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