I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
