I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
