do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
