there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
