i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I enjoy the company of your penis
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
