I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
