I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
