u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
how drunk are you?
Several
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
