2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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