Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
