he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
