omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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