Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You ruined the universe
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
