I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
