She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
