Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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