Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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