In America we eat man semen.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
