Where did you get a picture of my penis
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
