You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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