Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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