Can Purell be used as lube?
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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