so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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