12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize