Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
