Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
