I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You pole danced in your parka.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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