sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
