There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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