fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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