Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
