When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
