Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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