i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
