the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
