I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Randomize
