I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
